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9:29 a.m. - Sunday, Feb. 04, 2007
Hugh, What Were You Smoking?
As usual, Dog#2 woke me up at 4:40 AM, asking to go outside. I let her outside and waited for her to ask to come back in again very soon (because it was -10 degrees F out there). Let Dog#2 back in. Decided to have breakfast. Nuked my oatmeal. Went into living room. Flicked on television. And what do I see but Hugh Grant's adorable eyes and touchable hair?

At 4:40 in the morning? On broadcast television? Wow.

So I sat down and watched. And soon I was saying to myself, so THIS is what poor Hugh had to do before he made it in show business. Every star has something embarrassing on film.

But what is going on, I asked myself. I don't get it. So that mysterious white-haired man — is he Satan? Did he drug the wine? Is he going to steal Hugh's soul?

I soon passed on to other questions: Why is the dialogue so awful? Why is the acting so wooden? Please, someone tell me, what is the plot?

After about half an hour, even Hugh Grant's adorable eyes and touchable hair couldn't compensate for the eye-stabbing, ear-twisting awfulness. I just had to keep watching long enough to find out what the film was called.

It's called Night Train to Venice.

Amazingly, it was made in 1993, when Hugh Grant had already pretty much made it in show business. So what was he smoking, that he thought this was a good idea?

I'm not even going to mention Malcolm MacDowell.


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