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2:12 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 20, 2004
Can't Help Being Brainwashed
I remember when I first got my consciousness raised, a LONG time ago, and I stopped shaving my legs.

Couldn't stand it. Couldn't STAND having hairy legs. Had to abandon my new-found feminist principles on that point, and go back to shaving. And I'll always remember the intense feeling of relief and pleasure as the hair vanished under the gliding razor.

I think of that when I read, in some of these diaries written by early-20-something women, of the necessity of shaving their twats for a big date. I think, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU FUCKING INGRATES? These young women have greater freedom and opportunities than women have ever had, probably, in the history of civilization ... and what do they do with it? They search out new restrictions and new obligations. They submit to the newly discovered social imperative of the hairless twat, and they spend their time and energy shaving themselves, or engaging in the bizarre, penitential ritual of the bikini wax.

Then I remember my theory, that no human escapes the essential torment of the human condition, and that the same dark force now drives agnostic, progressive, cell-phone-bearing twat-shavers as once drove goat-sacrificing, menstruating-woman-shunning, deity-worshipping nomadic desert tribes of the Bronze Age. I smile smugly because the hairless twat just confirms what I've been saying all along. Thank you, you dumb fuckheads.

Last night I was doing an exercise video, a Charlene Prickett one. And there's a guy among the exercisers. And he has hairy armpits. And I'm thinking, first: "Ewwww," and secondly: "What the hell is wrong with me? Men are SUPPOSED to have hairy armpits," and thirdly: "I don't care -- ewwwwww!"

Here I am, a superior human being, who understands everything, and can't be manipulated the way the rest of you can, and ... wait a minute, I've been TOTALLY manipulated by the corporate standards of human beauty disseminated by television and magazines, or for all I know beamed directly to the chip installed in my brain when that "dentist" was supposedly "extracting my wisdom teeth."

I know you guys are out there, waxing your backs and shaving your balls. Your armpits are next. Pretty soon ALL the exercisers, men and women, will have smooth armpits. It's the yin and yang of human psychology. For every new freedom, we seek a new slavery. It's hopeless, people. Hopeless! Do you hear me? Let's do the only logical thing! Let's all kill ourselves!!! (You go first.)


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