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2:35 p.m. - Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003
What Happened?
Where the hell did my vacation go?

I never got to that point, this time, where I feel rested. I'm still tired. I still took a two-hour nap this morning. I managed to clean the house SOMEWHAT, the usual cursory cleaning I give it every Saturday or Sunday, but I had been expecting to clean it thoroughly this week, e.g., vacuum down the spider-webs from the ceiling, clean out the "walk-in closet" so that I could actually walk into it. However, now I'm feeling like "What the f*ck." I don't care if the house is a mess. I have too much to do. (I'm listening to the radio while I type this -- I HATE these f*cking radio commercials -- that's why it's so disjointed. -- No, I ought to face the facts: it would be disjointed anyway. I'm disjointed. And that has nothing to do with weed.) So why didn't I say, "F*ck the tulips, I have better things to with my time!"? Why not? I suppose because I really love those tulips, jonquils, snowdrops, hyacinths, allium, crocus and lilies out front -- every winter, by the end of February I'm already searching the ground for the tips of the snowdrops and crocuses coming up, then the hyacinths, the tulips and jonquils, and then the lilies and roses. It just gives me such a thrill to see those early flowers coming up and blooming, sometimes in the snow. So yesterday I spent all afternoon raking the mulch off them, tilling the beds lightly to uproot the weeds, spreading the fertilizer, raking it into the ground, then covering the beds up with the mulch again. Lots of work. So the house will have to stay all spider-webbed and disorganized, I suppose.

I managed to do some writing, I was pleased with the results, but -- what happened? -- the consciousness of all the work I have to do just took over my mind. So much to do, and I got so little done. And next week, it's back to my pointless, tedious life of work and sleep deprivation. I'm depressed.

P.S. -- Those lilies in the picture at right are mine from last summer.


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