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3:22 p.m. - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003
100 Things
If I understand correctly the concept of "100 Things," you're just supposed to write down 100 random facts about yourself. I don't know if I'm sufficiently interested (interesting), but I'll try.

1. That's none of your business!

2. It's morally wrong to compel people to eat beets.

3. I have four dogs and one cat.

4. This is stupid.

OK, obviously this is going nowhere, so let me try "100 Things That Annoy Me, In No Particular Order."

1. Robin Williams.

2. Car commercials.

3. Rush Limbaugh/Sean Hannity/Bill O'Reilly (I don't list them separately, because they're clones).

4. George Bush.

5. The "Religious Right."

6. Wal-Mart commercials, and in fact any of those g*ddamn attention-deficit-disorder commercials where the images and the narration cut every two seconds.

7. Other people.

8. People whose diary entries consist almost entirely of quoted song lyrics.

9. Stupid designers who think all women who buy dresses are at least 6'1" tall.

10. Stupid designers who think all women who buy slacks are less than 5'4" tall.

11. SUVs and the people who drive them.

12. Snout-houses.

13. Strip malls.

14. You (just kidding!) (Well, actually, it depends on who you are.)

15. What's-his-name.

16. That other guy, too.

17. The wrappers on CDs that are totally impossible to open.

18. CD jewel-cases that fall apart. For $19, you'd think they could make one that lasts.

19. Car commercials.

20. Tailgaters.

21. Better Homes and Gardens® magazine.

22. Car commercials.

23. Being at work and having nothing to do.

24. Being at work and having too much to do.

25. Being at work.

26. People who think they're being creative when they give their kid a common name spelled phonetically. Example: "Jaysin" for "Jason."

27. People who still think it's worth talking about when two or more women suck face on television.

28. People who think that there is no praying going on in schools.

29. Car commercials.

30. John Ashcroft.

31. Shakespeare.

32. Cashiers who manage to take your money without ever speaking to you or even looking at you; bonus points awarded to cashiers who carry on an uninterrupted conversation with a fellow cashier while checking you out.

33. People who say "Good morning" without looking at you. You talkin' to me? Well, you must be talkin' to me, 'cause there ain't nobody else here. So why ain't you lookin' at me?

34. Car commercials.

35. Sandra Bullock.

36. Jim Carrey.

37. Julia Roberts.

38. Hugh Grant. If anyone ever tries to make me watch "Notting Hill" again, I'm going to report them to Amnesty International.

39. Car commercials.

40. Garbage collectors who throw down your emptied garbage can right in the middle of your driveway so you have to stop your car in the street to move the garbage can when you get home from a long, hard day at work.

41. Zoning laws.

42. That traffic cop at the intersection of Randolph and Wabash. I've been trying to find her amusing, but I fail. Frankly, she is just rude.

43. That g*ddamn "Handshake of Peace" in church.

44. Stores that call customers "guests." It's symptomatic of the degradation of the notion of hospitality. Stores that call customers "guests" and wedding receptions where the guests are expected to foot the bill are both the poison fruit of the same evil tree.

45. Car commercials.

46. The salespersons in the perfume department of any major store. No, actually, I'm glad that they swoop down on you the moment your pace slackens, because if I were given the liberty of sampling the perfumes unmolested, I'd buy a lot more perfume and I'd be a lot poorer.

47. The "War on Drugs."

48. PMS.

49. People who, when you ask them, "How are you?", tell you.

50. Car commercials.

51. Television shows where a fat ugly guy is married to a slim beautiful woman.

52. Car commercials.

That's it. I give up.


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