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8:39 p.m. - Thursday, Feb. 08, 2007
Too Damn Normal
I need to stay the hell away from that nice asexuality forum. Why? Because I get too much validation there. I find out too many people feel the way I do. It makes me feel almost normal.
I've based my whole identity on being abnormal. And if I'm not weird, what am I? Not much of anything, really.
* * * * * * *
Today I cheated in the Accountability Queue. I was re-reading something I'd written a long time ago and I said, "Hey, this is pretty good, and I just don't feel like writing today." So I posted that long-ago stuff in the Queue to meet my 500-word quota.
Only after posting did it occur to me that I might have already posted that stuff when I first joined the Queue. But I didn't trouble myself to check, and frankly, I didn't give a damn.
This interval of waiting for my unconscious to work its magic is just damned uncomfortable. Like waiting for cramps to pass off, back when I had a uterus, or waiting for a depressive episode to swing the other way. You know from past experience that eventually it will happen, but you don't know when. You don't know how long you have to be miserable. And you also suspect that this time will be different — this time won't conform to your past experience — this time your cramps, your depression, or your total lack of inspiration won't pass off. Maybe this time it's permanent.
But it's rather stupid to think that, since it certainly doesn't help matters, so I'm going to try not to.
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