4:46 p.m. - Monday, Mar. 08, 2004
Here are reasons why same-sex marriages will ruin society:
♦ Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. That's why infertile couples and old people can't legally get married.
♦ Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parent only raise straight children.
♦ Straight marriage, such as Britney Spears' 55-hour, just-for-fun marriage, will be less meaningful.
♦ Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; for example, women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites and divorce is still illegal.
♦ Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because majority-elected legislatures, and not courts, have historically done a swell job of protecting the rights of the minorities.
♦ Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
♦ Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
♦ Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets, because a dog has legal standing to sign a marriage contract.
♦ Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parent are forbidden to raise children.
♦ Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer life spans.
♦ Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name, are preferable, because separate-but-equal institutions are constitutional.